MOTGW

Historians are split into three camps. The first says it all goes back to the 2016/17 season, when Elm Grove lifted the Survival Cup and Bobbond took the OVP Cup in the same campaign, and the two managers spent the entire end-of-season do arguing about whose trophy was bigger, using root vegetables from the buffet as visual aids.

The second camp insists it started at an auction, with a single carrot stick left on a crudites platter, two hands reaching for it at once, and a silence that has never really lifted.

The third camp says there was no incident at all, and the two simply looked at each other one day and knew. Whatever the truth, the hostilities are real, the produce is fresh, and neither side has ever offered so much as an olive branch. Olives being a fruit, technically.

Here is the delicious bit. Elm Grove's reserve goalkeeper is Emiliano Martinez, who is projected for nothing this week. That leaves Chelsea's gloves to Mike Penders, and Penders starts for Bobbond. So Bobbond are literally relying on the man covering for Elm Grove's sidelined keeper. You could not make it up, and we have made up plenty already.

Standing in his way is Cole Palmer, Elm Grove's biggest projection of the week and one of the highest in the whole league. Every Palmer goal is a double hit: points for Elm Grove, and a dent in Penders' clean sheet. Bobbond have Chelsea defenders Palestra and Chavarria on the bench as well, so they are heavily invested in a shutout. They also start Mbeumo on the Man Utd side, which means a Mbeumo goal helps them going forward and hurts them at the back. Bond is fighting a war on two fronts before 1pm on Saturday.

For one afternoon only, the two sides want exactly the same thing. Hull host Ipswich at 3pm, and Bobbond start Belloumi, their top projection, plus Nobel Mendy at the back. Elm Grove start Hull keeper Tzolakis. A Hull clean sheet pays both managers, so expect a rare outbreak of peas.

Same story at Coventry, where Bobbond's Le Fee and Elm Grove's Meunier both line up for Sunderland. Think of Sunderland as Switzerland this weekend. Neutral ground, nobody gets hurt.

Then the ceasefire ends. Villa host Fulham at 8pm, and this is a straight head-to-head. Nicolas Jackson is Elm Grove's second-best projection and leads the Villa line. Bobbond start Fulham's Castagne in defence and Gonzalo Garcia up front. A Jackson goal is good news for Elm Grove and bad news for Bobbond's back line. A Garcia goal works the other way round. Whoever wins this game probably wins the war.

This is where Bobbond quietly pull ahead. Their midfield five of Belloumi, Sangare, Le Fee, Mbeumo and Enzo Fernandez are all projected at around 4 points each. No superstars, just a whole allotment of reliable produce. Even their worst possible XI this week isn't far off their best.

Elm Grove are more top-heavy. Palmer and Jackson carry a lot of the load, and further back Meunier and Maitland-Niles are both projected under 2 points. The bench is thin too: Martinez and Ekitike are out, which leaves Kadioglu and Damsgaard as the only real cover. If one of the big names has a quiet one, there isn't much in the veg drawer. Liverpool v Arsenal on Sunday is a hedge for them, with Jacquet and Barcola on one side and Havertz on the other, and Everton's trip to Newcastle on Monday night could keep it alive right to the end.

Bobbond edge it by three. A deeper squad, a goalkeeper borrowed from the enemy's own treatment room, and a lucky streak that refuses to wilt. It isn't a landslide, more a narrow marrow-gin. But if Palmer cooks at Stamford Bridge and Jackson does the business at Villa Park, Elm Grove could turn the whole thing into soup.